Magical Mystery Machine will save the planet

It slices, it dices, it saves the planet. Who says so? None other than World Savior Nobel Laureate Albert Gore, Jr.

Yes folks. Just remember, you saw it here first!

(Or maybe you read about it at Engadget.)

Now, the inventors of this revolutionary product haven’t claimed it will be as spiffy as this Automatic Back Scratcher, but it will be unveiled at a hi-falutin’ dinner at $1000 per plate.

I can’t wait.

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While some past pronouncements of world-changing inventions haven’t exactly panned out as promised, this latest one will at least have a pretty large stage on which to prove itself, with none other than Al Gore and others paying £1,000 or more apiece in the audience. As you might expect, however, things are being kept as vague as possible ahead of the big unveiling, which is set to go down later today in London. One of the few apparently clued in in the matter, British Inventors’ Society founder Kane Kramer, would only go so far as to describe it as “a new science, a Super Material,” adding that, “It would be 80 per cent cheaper than any alternative means of production, and it will contribute in a major way to reducing climate change.” So, it’s “something,” but we’ll just have to wait and see if it delivers as advertised.

/Be still my heart.

Hillary urges calm in wake of hostage situation

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A Special Statement on the Clinton Campaign Hostage Crisis

As you are all well aware there was a hostage situation today at a Clinton campaign field office in Rochester, NH. At the moment there is little that we know about this white male perpetrator or why he is singling out the Clinton campaign. With that said, it is the expressed wish of the Party not to turn this situation into political speculation or to assume that this male is indeed a white middle-aged man who engages in heterosexual activity and is a registered Republican, an avid church-goer and a member of the NRA for purely political gain. We just aren’t going to do it.

With that said, in no way, shape or form are we going to jump to the conclusion that this angry white male – who is possibly Christian – could be exacting revenge for the Clinton’s campaign use of gardening techniques to plant liberal pansies in the Republican YouTube debate. Once again, we are not going to engage in political speculation or make the assumption that George Bush – with the help of Dick Cheney, Karl Rove, Scooter Libby and the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy in general – is in fact the true culprits of this terrible situation. We just aren’t going to do it.

It simply isn’t prudent right now in this time of fear and desperation to make random assumptions, speculation or to pin blame on certain Republican campaigns for sending this obviously deranged Right wing nut-job into the Clinton campaign field office. It’s also not prudent at this time to suggest that this man is a deranged Right-wing nut-job or is, in fact, a Barack Obama staffer trying to hurt Hillary’s chances in New Hampshire. We are also not going to consider this “terrorism” since, as we all know, “terrorism” is just a bumper-sticker. We just aren’t going to do it.

In the meantime we ask everyone to remain calm while our top strategist figure out ways to capitalize on this unfortunate event – which isn’t for political gain, mind you – so that everyone’s well-being can be served. Right now Senator Clinton has offered to negotiate with the mad Right-wing nut-job – who may or may not be an Obama campaign staffer, a member of a Republican campaign or a White House operative – so that she can put this situation to bed and so that she take credit for being the hero who saved her volunteers – a hero, mind you, that did it not for political gain but for the Common Good™.

In the event of speculation among of friends in the MSM, the Clinton campaign wishes for you to cease pinning blame on the above mentioned non-speculative claims that were mentioned solely for non-political purposes so that we, the Clinton campaign, will not gain politically from them. But, if you must use our non-speculative, non-political claims in order to get to the bottom of this situation then by all means do so. However, in no way does the Clinton campaign want the media to claim that this man was sent by the White House, the Giuliani campaign or is in need of quality free healthcare that only Hillary, upon becoming President, could possibly deliver. In no way do we want the media to claim that this man lost his child in George Bush’s illegal war in Iraq and why it is the motivation for him trying to speak with Senator Clinton – who will, by the way, end the war upon becoming President and who will bring the troops home. So please, if you must speculate – and we rather you not although we understand if you must – please keep the above mentioned in mind and have photographers on hand when Hillary heroically carries the hostages out of the building.

Thank you,
Chairman Meowsevitch S. Punchenko

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