Hillary urges calm in wake of hostage situation


A Special Statement on the Clinton Campaign Hostage Crisis

As you are all well aware there was a hostage situation today at a Clinton campaign field office in Rochester, NH. At the moment there is little that we know about this white male perpetrator or why he is singling out the Clinton campaign. With that said, it is the expressed wish of the Party not to turn this situation into political speculation or to assume that this male is indeed a white middle-aged man who engages in heterosexual activity and is a registered Republican, an avid church-goer and a member of the NRA for purely political gain. We just aren’t going to do it.

With that said, in no way, shape or form are we going to jump to the conclusion that this angry white male – who is possibly Christian – could be exacting revenge for the Clinton’s campaign use of gardening techniques to plant liberal pansies in the Republican YouTube debate. Once again, we are not going to engage in political speculation or make the assumption that George Bush – with the help of Dick Cheney, Karl Rove, Scooter Libby and the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy in general – is in fact the true culprits of this terrible situation. We just aren’t going to do it.

It simply isn’t prudent right now in this time of fear and desperation to make random assumptions, speculation or to pin blame on certain Republican campaigns for sending this obviously deranged Right wing nut-job into the Clinton campaign field office. It’s also not prudent at this time to suggest that this man is a deranged Right-wing nut-job or is, in fact, a Barack Obama staffer trying to hurt Hillary’s chances in New Hampshire. We are also not going to consider this “terrorism” since, as we all know, “terrorism” is just a bumper-sticker. We just aren’t going to do it.

In the meantime we ask everyone to remain calm while our top strategist figure out ways to capitalize on this unfortunate event – which isn’t for political gain, mind you – so that everyone’s well-being can be served. Right now Senator Clinton has offered to negotiate with the mad Right-wing nut-job – who may or may not be an Obama campaign staffer, a member of a Republican campaign or a White House operative – so that she can put this situation to bed and so that she take credit for being the hero who saved her volunteers – a hero, mind you, that did it not for political gain but for the Common Good™.

In the event of speculation among of friends in the MSM, the Clinton campaign wishes for you to cease pinning blame on the above mentioned non-speculative claims that were mentioned solely for non-political purposes so that we, the Clinton campaign, will not gain politically from them. But, if you must use our non-speculative, non-political claims in order to get to the bottom of this situation then by all means do so. However, in no way does the Clinton campaign want the media to claim that this man was sent by the White House, the Giuliani campaign or is in need of quality free healthcare that only Hillary, upon becoming President, could possibly deliver. In no way do we want the media to claim that this man lost his child in George Bush’s illegal war in Iraq and why it is the motivation for him trying to speak with Senator Clinton – who will, by the way, end the war upon becoming President and who will bring the troops home. So please, if you must speculate – and we rather you not although we understand if you must – please keep the above mentioned in mind and have photographers on hand when Hillary heroically carries the hostages out of the building.

Thank you,
Chairman Meowsevitch S. Punchenko

55 Responses

  1. You’re such a cynic. 😉

  2. Nya. Ah. Ahhhhh…..

  3. Nope. Not gonna do it, not gonna capitalize on this unfortunate event.

    AP Swoons: Hillary Calm In Hostage Crisis

  4. Then don’t. She and her insured piano legs will be just fine.

    In other news, LSU coach Les Miles has called a press conference for noon. WTF? LSU play Tennesse for the SEC champeenship this afternoon. Is he announcing Bo Pellini is the new Nebraska coach? Is Les going to Michigan or is he staying?
    Stay tuned.

  5. College football day. (forgot the priorities here) Time to go, sorry for the interruption. 🙄

  6. no problem. The good stuff hasn’t started yet, 🙂
    I might have to change my LSU over TN prognostication. LSU will have to fight hard just to keep the coaching distractions to a minimum. And, TN is on the rise.
    Look for TN to prevail. 😦

  7. Dang Robert D, no need to do that, the good’uns don’t start until this afternoon, then again at 7.
    I watched a little of the NASCAR awards show last night, what a production. I gotta say, Carrie Underwood doesn’t do a thing for me, musically or visually. I ain’t sayin’ she isn’t talented or a nice young lady, and all, but she might want to consider butt reduction surgery.

  8. Gotta put up Christmas lights anyway. Ya’ll have fun, I’ll be back later.

  9. Early reports are, that when Les Miles steps off of the LSU bus at the Georgia Dome, he will announce he is staying at LSU.

  10. no kidding?
    that would change everything.

  11. I missed them completely. Not on purpose either.

  12. Yeah, nuke. They are saying it is in response to some news source claiming this morning that Les will take the UM job.

    Robert D, it was one big glitzy Broadway type production, with all the NASCAR folks and their families all dressed in formal attire, and not a long-neck in sight. Seemed too mainstream or out of character, or something.

  13. They need to hold it in Las Vegas and get the hell out of New York City!! That would be more in line with the character of the sport.

  14. They should hold the whoopdedoo in Charlotte or someplace.
    This is what a NASCAR driver should look like. Not all the pretty boys wearing tux’s.

  15. Did y’all hear about that study on political affiliation and mental health?
    I’m not surprised by the results.

  16. You can hardly findcountry in Nascar anymore. It’s the reason a lot of old timers are giving up. They’re trying to attract the 18 -30 yr olds with all the Hip Hop and Rap Crap and it aint working. I’m mostly napping in the Lazy Boy during the race, and watching the Highlight Shows after.

    I really gotta go hang lights now. Check back later…….

  17. Well, don’t let the lights hang you!

  18. Oh…btw, HRT lied in her press conference last night.
    /i know…what a shocka

  19. Check back later.
    LSU is on, and my vat of chili is almost ready.

  20. What you have just witnessed, is life in the SEC.
    Defense wins championships.
    Way to go LSU.
    My handmade chili brought victory for LSU, I’m sure of it.
    Now let’s see if my fried jumbo shrimp, baked tater, and salad can conjure up a win for Oklahoma.

  21. Not to worry. I’m wearing my lucky hat.

    Between fried shwimps and magic hats, the Sooners can’t lose.
    Just in case, I need to go rub my kitties belly.

  23. 🙄

  24. Well, merde!
    Halftime, and they done kissed their sister.

  25. San Franciscans just don’t get it:

    “I used to fire it at bottles or do some plinking in the woods,” said the gun’s owner, 48-year-old Bruce Bourne. “But I have a 6-year-old daughter now and my wife was uncomfortable with it being in the house.”

    What more reason is there to have a gun?
    San Francisco offers gift cards for guns

  26. Here’s one for the football guys:
    Coach Les Miles is staying at LSU

    ATLANTA – Les Miles insists he will remain LSU’s football coach despite all the speculation he would bolt for Michigan. “I am the head coach at LSU. I will be the head coach at LSU,” Miles said Saturday. “I have no interest in talking to anybody else.”

    LSU senior associate athletic director Herb Vincent said he later asked Miles whether the coach’s statement applied to Michigan. Vincent said Miles told him it did — he was not going to Michigan.

  27. what a wacky doodle year in college football.

  28. Awww come on guys, the eye roll was a joke…….you said it was halftime. Or does that mean more food and rituals?

  29. wacky doodle………I have a lot to learn. 😕

  30. ah yes grasshopper…..wacky doodle,

  31. I love being back here……….

  32. ther’s no place like home…click,click…there’s no place like home

  33. wacky-doodle-doo, if’n you axe me.

  34. Gift certificates for guns, eh?
    I have this old pump 16 gauge, that belonged to my brother, that I couldn’t fix, as I don’t have the capability of fabricating some tiny parts and springs. Wish we would have one of those gun exchange programs here, so I could get something for it.

  35. wash takes the early lead over hawaii

  36. Got a 22 marlin lever action in the same condition. It would be good for disposal of some guns. I still have hope for my 22, I really like it.

  37. Yep, got it on, but not riveted like before.
    Ma’boy climbed in my lap when I was in the lazyboy, and stayed there for the entire second half. I love this little guy…he’s ma’boy!
    Between him sharing the chair, magic shwimps, and a magic hat, we got the Sooner another champeeship.
    Btw, have y’all seen this shiite?
    Now that’s funny, right there….a study. BWAH-HAH-HAH-HAAA!

  38. Well, depending on the model and the age of the Marlin, you might be able to get parts from them.
    No chance on this old Sears and Roebuck pump, it was manufactured by Stevens or some such, and no longer in business. Dang thing was manufactured in 1961, and he never took good care of it. Rust on it is something fierce. I never let any of my guns get rust…ever!

  39. Man, I need a grant to study that. Easy money…..and even I can answer that one.

  40. Mine is pretty easy to fix, I think. It sometimes won’t eject the casing and jams the next bullet. It’s just a priority thing. I agree about the care of guns, rust is not acceptable.

  41. nite y’all.

  42. Nite nuke.
    Robert D, you might want to check and see if the ejector is clogged up with goo, or has it’s protruding surface worn down or damaged. If it won’t eject, the other mechanisms will still do what they are supposed to, then the new round will get jammed into the stuck casing.

  43. I think I better shut it down too, stomach is feeling kind of grumbly.
    Must have been that spicy chili.

  44. I’ll do that nuke, haven’t really looked into it for a bit but I love that gun.

    I think I better shut it down too, stomach is feeling kind of grumbly.
    Must have been that spicy chili.

    Geeze, are you sure it was the chili? Not the shrimp or the tater? 😉 g’nite all……

  45. The ejector is worn nuke, model 39A. I’ll get it fixed.

    Marlin Golden 39A Lever Action .22 Rimfire

  46. he he he…..

    Whatever public sympathy Hillary Clinton had built up during the tense hostage situation at her New Hampshire campaign office appeared to dissipate Saturday, as she was met with a round of boos during an address over the phone to an Iowa political event.


  47. Dangit, not again…..

    Venerable book publishers Simon and Schuster have announced that on December 12th they will be issuing a new edition of Hillary Clinton’s starry-eyed 1996 paean to socialist collectivism, It Takes a Village — starring none other than Mz. inevitability herself, Hillary Clinton. I’m sure the rafters will once again tremble with hosannas for Clinton’s “hard work” in writing the book and she will again be heralded as a wonderful stylist. All due praise will be lavished upon the former first lady, current Senator, and unsurprising candidate for the Democrat Party nomination for President of the United States of America. Actually, I’ll have to take that back because Hillary won’t be receiving all due praise for her efforts on the book. She will be getting far, far more than she deserves. Why, you might ask? Because she wrote barely a word of the book that bears her name, that’s why. And worse, since 1996 Clinton has lied repeatedly claiming she wrote it all by herself, refusing to acknowledge that it was ghostwritten by someone else.

    She Still Takes a Villager — Hillary’s Authorship Lies

  48. I’ll give up now.

  49. Hey Robert D.
    That was me that suggested check the ejector, when I should have said check the extractor, as it sounded like an extraction problem. With that model, you shouldn’t have any problems getting a new part.
    One common mistake many make, on some weapons the feeding system is when the extractor gets a grip on the rim of the casing as it is loaded, and if a round is placed in the receiver without using the feeding mechanism, the extractor won’t get a grip, and when the round is fired, the backward pressure will bend or otherwise damage the extractor. This is particularly important on magazine fed weapons, like semi-autos, like a 1911a1.

  50. I see that now. It was a pleasant surprise to see my gun is so popular. This one is pretty well used, so I think the extractor is just worn out. Now I just gotta find a new gunsmith as our local guy died a couple of years back. But I will get it fixed because it’s a real joy to shoot.

  51. Speaking of guns:

    Harvard Student Paper Calls for Repeal of Second Amendment

    Good comment section too.

  52. I kinda figured your’s was that model, but they have made so many over the years.
    I had the old Remington Fieldmaster .22 semi-auto. Thinking on it, I have never owned a lever action rifle of any kind.

  53. I like the “cowboy” stuff. I have one of these too. Try it, there’s just something about the feel and balance of a lever action.

    Winchester Model 1894

  54. Mine is the newer version, but it looks just like the one pictured. Don’t want to get my a$$ fact checked. 😆

  55. I’ve shot some lever actions, and even considered purchasing a few over the years, but I always preferred bolt and gas operated.

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