Moving Forward, Without My Buddy!


MY BUDDY
(Gus Kahn / Walter Donaldson-1922)

Life is a book that we study
Some of its leaves bring a sigh
There it was written by a buddy
That we must part, you and I

Nights are long since you went away
I think about you all through the day
My buddy, my buddy
Nobody quite so true

Miss your voice, the touch of your hand
Just long to know that you understand
My buddy, my buddy
Your buddy misses you

Miss your voice, the touch of your hand
Just long to know that you understand,
My buddy, my buddy,
Your buddy misses you.

Your buddy misses you…yes I do

A friend told me about this song yesterday. Friends do help, at times like these.

These past five days have been difficult, and I don’t wish to bore others with my grief.
I am fortunate to have a friend that allows me the opportunity to express myself on his blog, and this post will be the last on the subject of ma’boy Buddy.

I have been dealing with this grief by forcing myself to put one foot in front of the other, and trying to maintain my focus, which is much easier when I am away from home, either working, or visiting with family and friends.
But today I was home all day. I still miss him. I miss telling him that I loved him.

Driving home from my brother’s, after burying Buddy, was one of those tasks I knew I had to perform, and went about it perfunctorily. I never reached the speed limit, knowing that I would get back to my empty home soon enough, and was preparing for what I still had to do. There were many pieces that needed to be picked up. Arriving home, I slowly went room to room, pausing and remembering his presence in each, and looking at all of the things that were his.
This was the time for crying, and I didn’t hold back.
Slowly, I began to take the steps I knew I needed to take. I got a large trash bag out, and started collecting all of his things. His food dishes and water bowl, his litter box, his toys, his grooming aids, his medicines, his pillow, they were all put in the trash bag, but not after having flashes of each item, and of when and where I got them. After moping around the house, expunging all the little reminders of him, so they wouldn’t ambush me in the future, I realized it was nearly four a.m., that I hadn’t eaten since lunch the day before, and it didn’t matter. I went to bed, knowing I still had much to do. I took the day off that day, Tuesday, and stayed home. I began cleaning the house, and got out the carpet cleaner. There were some spots on the carpet near where his litter box had been, where he had had some accidents, in the last week of his life. I got down on the floor with a brush and foam stain remover, and lovingly removed the spots, as lovingly as I had cleaned him. Then I shampooed the carpet, sighing often.

Since that Tuesday, slowly I am feeling more like myself. I had asked family and friends to not contact me for a few days, as I needed to deal with my pain alone. Since then, I have talked with some of them, and it has helped, though I still can’t say the words out loud, that Buddy died, without becoming overwhelmed with emotion. Expressing my loss, and how I feel, is beneficial, and I know that, but I also know time and distance between where I am now, and the event, has a healing effect. For the first few days, I had constant replays in my mind, of the last hour of Buddy’s life, before that final moment, when I felt his heart stop. The replays were never in sequence, just short clips, and they were just as painful as the actual experience. I was fearful that they would never end, and they may not, but for now they have subsided.

My grief is personal, of that I am aware, but I have experienced it before, as have we all.
So I go on, one step, one breath at a time. I’ve tried to resume normal habits, such as when I sleep, and eat. It occurred to me earlier this evening, that eating has become another perfunctory task, and I hope that one day soon the pleasure in preparing and eating a good meal will return. I tried this evening, with a roasted chicken breast, sweet corn, and a tossed salad, but it only satisfied my need to survive.
Nothing tastes good when I’ve been eating pain for five days.
If only pain tasted like chicken.

2 Responses

  1. So sorry. I can’t think of anything else to say except that I know from experience that God does grace us with the strength to get through these terrible sad times. Continue to cherish your memories and take care of yourself.

  2. N2L:

    I am so sorry about your beloved friend. Now that I have one that I look forward to seeing each day when I get home and playing with, stroking and taking with me everywhere I can, I even cringe at the day that I will have to say goodbye to her.

    I think it is one of the many questions we will ask our Lord when we are over there and I also believe that his answer (if we even need one by then) will be totally understandable.

    I also want to say how sorry I am for the way I treated you in the past. I have carried tons of baggage and seem to dump it on people that have a true interest in my life and want what is best for me and my family.

    That is why, even though I have lived here now for over 9 years, with the exception of my next door neighbor I have no friends other than the people at my work place.

    I hope and pray that the God of all comfort will wrap His arms of peace, joy and fullfilment around you and give you blessings. It makes my soul groan just to try and imagine what you are going through. Just thinking about losing my Gracie brings untold tears to my own eyes, and I know that should the Lord tarry, I will face this situation all too soon.

    I want to also leave you with this: I would never in a million years, even now knowing the grief that I have experienced over losing loved ones, whether they be human or otherwise, would choose to miss a single day of their presence. They have enriched my life and give me reason to go on. I also want to encourage you to get the book, “Heaven”, by Randy Alcorn, which I believe shows the without a doubt our beloved animal friends will share the joys of heaven with us.

    Oh, what a day that will be.

    With deepest sympathy,

    Jeff

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